SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was 20th November, discovery of a 2 month EA with a work colleague. Me (m43), caught her (f36) via network traffic logs I need to keep for compliance with GDPR due to my work. We've been together 16 years, and live together. Not married and no kids.

Immediate aftermath was, as you'd expect, horrific. Lots of fighting, words said etc etc. The story trickled out over a couple of days. I was wary of believing her, but her story was corroborated by her best friend, who shared a fairly intense online conversation they'd had the very day I confronted her which essentially confirmed the story. So far, so good.

At this point we entered a fairly intense period of HB, it was like being a new couple again, sex was great, we went on dates, teased and flirted with each other - it was pretty magical tbh. This ended a few weeks ago and since then i've just felt absolutely nothing at all about the situation, or her. I've lost interest in discussing it, I've lost interest in her apologies and declerations of love, i've lost interest in keeping track of whats shes doing. I just feel an incredible urge to leave this all behind me and start again.

I guess my question is, is this normal? Are these feelings as fleeting as those I felt during HB and when they pass will I go on to regret it if I leave her? Is it normal to go from HB into what can only be described as the complete opposite? It feels like I've been validated (I can still please her, she still wants me etc) by the HB and now that I've proven this to myself I don't need her anymore. I find myself feeling incredibly guilty for feeling this was, as her behaviour and attempts to atone for what she did have been nothing less than stellar - she appears to be putting everything into reconciliation and I just feel nothing at all. Is this temporary?

Help!!

Infidelity definitely breaks any connection we have with our partners, even after finding a temporary bond through HB.

So, yeah, taking a step back to see the damage done is very normal.

You'll have to figure out what you ultimately want, but don't be worried about any kind of numbness setting in. Infidelity always breaks the deal, you just have to figure out if you want a new deal, new relationship with this person or not.

To rebuild real connection takes time and you're very early in recovery.

If you're done, you're done. That's normal too.

But if you eventually want to look at keeping the relationship, it has to be from the ground up to get a real connection and be willing to be vulnerable with a person who hurt you.

I guess my question is, is this normal?

I don't know if it's normal with everyone but your story after DD matches mine so it's my normal too.

I just feel nothing at all. Is this temporary?

Yeah, I don't feel much at all too, my WW is not on a pedestal though I treat her right. I don't know if it will be temporary but I've committed to R and I am faking it until I make it but have given myself a deadline.

What has helped me is slowly working on myself like is repeated here quite often. Then I will be in the best position should I decide to stay or go.

(edit to change pronouns)

[This message edited by redfish at 11:57 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

Is it the details of the affair that are bothering you? Do you doubt some of the story line and need a polygraph to move forward?

That's basically what happened with me. I decided to stay long enough to be able to leave. I made myself a 5 year plan because of the age of my kids at the time. In those 5 years, my fch did tons of work. We are now reconciled. So, I've decided to continue to stay, for now.

I'm still not 100% absolutely fully committed. I don't know if I ever will be again. I give myself permission to reassess our M every once in a while and decide if it's still working for me.

Deciding what to do in the months after DDay became very all-consuming for me. There seemed to be this huge pressure to recommit (or not)- as though there was an ever-dwindling window or something. Like my whole life was hanging by a thread.

My IC encouraged me to make my decision fresh ever day, for that day alone. She suggested that we're all actually doing this anyway (A's or not). It didn't exactly give my H a great sense of comfort or permanence (which would have been artificial if I'd pretended it anyway), but it helped me a lot. Once I didn't have to decide in that moment for the "forever", but just for the day, it got easier to just wait it out and observe my H's behavior and choices. And allow myself to respond to those in the uncertain future. Some of those days I'd characterize my state of mind as pretty much indifferent. Some days, it was more negative. and some days it was better. Some days I dodn't feel very much at all. Over time, the distribution of these shifted more positively (as I saw my H putting in the work .. and as I did some on myself.) And the way forward became clearer.

Yes, feeling numb is absolutely normal. The high of HB also. The low of whatever comes after HB also. I think there are very few emotions that I didn't feel in one form or another in the months after after D-day. Don't feel guilty for not feeling anything. It'll come ... and you can decide, when you get there, what you're going to do about it.

How are you doing? IMO you're going to experience a variety of emotions and when you least expect it.

Is she still working with the OM?

She should have proactively changed jobs to help rebuild trust.

She should proactively seek IC and read books like "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. Why? To fix herself and become a safe partner for you (or the next guy). Otherwise she's a high risk for repeating.

Wow, I feel like I am heading into this as well. DDay for me was September 6th, but we were separated until the beginning of December. We both want to try to save our relationship. After 6 weeks of much HB, I am feeling just blah. I have not changed my mind about wanting to try to save my relationship, maybe just feel overwhelmed at what it is clearly going to take. I can see this is going to be no short walk in the park. Glad I am not alone in feeling these weird, out of the blue changes. Hope this is just yet another phase....

I think natural progression to HB often involves a lot of desperation/reclamation sex to "hold onto," what you think you might be losing. The feel good chemicals in your brain drive and the primal urge to hold onto the familiar overrides common sense.

Once that fade and your brain evens out and you have to objectively look at what you have. You may realize that, maybe, the thing you were so desperate to hang onto might not be so great after all. She did have an EA. It might be a rebound or it might be that the A is actually a deal breaker for you.

It is when the real work has to start.

However if you don't feel like you want the relationship to continue the kindest thing you could do for both of you is to gracefully end the relationship and move on.

That being said I think some time spent with an IC to sort out what behind this feeling would help you reach a better idea if this is temporary or not.

I’m only 4.5 months from Dday, Although she is doing everything I’ve asked and we have incredible HB there are days I’m not feeling it. I’ve already lost her twice so I’m in take it or leave it mode, but we are working toward R. She will never have all my heart again because I will D if one more shoe drops.

For me, it’s the transition from a loving, caring, intimate trusting relationship to one of INDIFFERENCE. The opposite of love is not Hate, it’s Indifference. I just don’t care any more.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 11:17 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

It’s laughable when she tries to convince me it meat nothing. Really? You planned with your MC how to leave me and file for divorce, and “it meant nothing?” I believe she’s lying still after all these years.

I gave myself 6 months to make a decision. In reality I wouldn't have been able to leave in those 6 months (I'm a sahm, special needs child, my son has dyslexia etc) But I didn't make any decisions for 6 months.

We had that HB you're talking about. I refused to be a backup plan or second option. I was and still am the only option.

We ask each other if the other is still happy. Talk about what we can make better for ourselves and the other. He would like me to be more extroverted. I have tried, I can't do it. I am an introvert and a have social anxiety. But I try for him on the condition that he doesn't leave me with people I don't know.

When we talk and there is something that bothers the other we try our best not to get mad and defensive to the other. It's hard sometimes. really hard. MC has helped.

If he does anything like this again I will not give him another chance.